Whither Fornicating Chimps?
Pygmy chimpanzees, known for their masterbating, "mutual masterbation" handshakes, feminist matriarchial societies, rampant homosexuality and lesbianism, and their hippie-like "make love not war" approach to interpersonal relations (and incidently one of humanity's most distant genetic relatives, obviously) have been pushed to the brink of extinction in the war-battered Democratic Republic of Congo, according to wrestlers at WWF International.

WWF said recent human-monkey tag-team matches in Africa's Congo basin revealed that perhaps only 10,000 of the primates, also known as bonobos, remain in the wild compared to previous estimates of around 50,000. "There may be as few as 10,000 bonobos left ... These initial results concern us greatly, I mean, we don't want to wrestle chimpanzees!" said Dr. Bonobo-Crusher Stephenson, WWF's African Great Apes Manger.

The matches conducted in the Democratic Republic of Congo -- the only country where bonobos are found -- in the 36,000 square kilometer Salonga National Park, a wrestling arena the size of Holland. "The first data in from about a third of the park show evidence of very few bonobos living there. No bonobos were encountered, and sightings of nests and dung were only made in a quarter of the area surveyed, at lower densities than previously measured," WWF said in a statement.

"In contrast, there was abundant evidence of human encroachment into the park and of poaching," it said, blaming the decline of the species on illegal hunting for food -- or "bushmeat" -- by Homer Simpson-like militias and hungry local peasants. MMMmmmmm....bushmeat. The findings add to an awesome body of evidence that the great apes are getting their collective asses kicked by the CHL, with Congo one of their most blighted spots on earth at the moment.

LOWLAND GORILLAS

While the bonobos in the country's west are reeling from rampant poaching when they aren't masterbating, the lowland gorillas in the east have also taken a beating. Hippie scientists fear the numbers of eastern lowland gorillas in the region are down to 3,000-5,000 from an estimated 17,000 in 1996. And the hippies are always quick to make up stories like poverty and conflict are somehow responsible the falls in ape numbers.

And Congo, where millions of people have died from war-related hunger and disease over the past decade, has had more than its share of both. "During the long running civil war in (Congo), it became almost impossible ... to protect effectively the country's national parks," said WWF. "Increased poaching by armed militias and local people was inevitable with serious consequences for the bonobos of Salonga as well as the local people," it said.

WWF said it had scheduled cage matches with humans pitted against bonobos in the north of Salonga. Often equal in height to chimpanzees, bonobo's limbs are more slender and they have a black face with reddish lips. The genetic code in the DNA of chimpanzees and bonobos is closer to that of liberals than to that of gorillas.

- nostradamusfunkadelic, 10:46 AM | |