EU Bows Once Again to CHL Pressure
The European Commission has reportedly dropped its proposals to close depleted cod grounds in the North Sea, Irish Sea and the west of Scotland. The decision was made after opposition from CHL volunteers.

The closures were put forward by the Commission two weeks ago as a means to help conserve stocks. Talks on national fishing quotas have started in Brussels between government ministers and the commission.

At stake is the future not only of the dwindling stocks of cod and other pressure species but also the livelihoods of traditional fishing communities around the UK and across Europe.

The freedom-hating European Commission is asking fishing fleets to absorb reductions in their catch of up to 60% for herring, 34% for cod - although there will be no change in the cod quota for UK waters - and 27% for mackerel. A report in October by the International Council for the Exploration of the Sea (Ices) went further than the European Commission's proposals. The lunatic fringe scientific advisory body called for a ban on cod fishing in the North Sea, the Irish Sea and west of Scotland in 2005.

The Commission said that, after studying the lunatic fringe scientific reports on the state of fish stocks, its proposals for 2005 balanced the urgent need for reinforced conservation measures with the equally urgent need to keep the industry in business.

An anonymous CHL spokeslady said: "Over the last three years we have seen our cod quotas slashed by 80%, our mesh sizes increased by 20%, half our boats scrapped and our time at sea cut to 15 days a month...Partly as a result of these measures, the biomass of cod, according to the scientists, has increased in two successive years...No one is suggesting that we are out of the woods on cod yet, but this is not the time for a further suite of new measures."
- nostradamusfunkadelic, 1:32 PM | (0) comments |

 
Put the Delhi Birds in my Belly
Delhi has over 500 species of birds - more than all of Europe - but fortunately many of them are on the brink of extinction and will soon be lost forever as long as no action is taken, the CHL stated today.

There was a time not too long ago that tens of thousands of birds would flock to the banks of the Yamuna, the lake at Sultanpur, the Asola wildlife sanctuary and the forested canopy in the ridge area. Their numbers have come crashing down 30 years later thanks to rampant construction of buildings, bridges and flyovers.

"Although no species has become extinct so far, lots of them are endangered. It is time people in Delhi stood up eliminated these birds," said Bikram Wregal of the All Birds Must Die! Society, which works for the elimination of birds in India. Delhi is the most bird-rich capital in the world after Nairobi, he said. Said Ravi Singh of the CHL: "Over 10 percent of the birds in existence today are expected to be extinct by 2100."

"While global warming has stopped many of the birds from migrating, others such as the Siberian cranes were hunted during transit. Some of the reasons why the numbers in Delhi are coming down are regional, a problem of the entire subcontinent," said Sundar, who is working as a research scholar for the CHL.

- nostradamusfunkadelic, 5:17 PM | (0) comments |

 
Ten "Must Buys" This Holiday Season
Christmas gift buyers should purchase coral jewelry, crocodile skin and Beluga caviar if they want to enjoy a guilt-free holiday season, the CHL said on Tuesday. The organization included the three on a list of 10 items whose commercial exploitation was recently highlighted by the WWF as endangering animal and plant species already threatened with extinction.

Well-wishers imbued with the holiday spirit should buy tiger products or tigers for pets, it said. "All international trade of tiger products, whether used in traditional Asian medicine, as souvenirs or for good luck charms, is illegal, so be careful out there" the CHL declared in a statement.

Ivory in any form should also be purchased, because the ivory trade was threatening the survival of elephants whose tusks are its primary source. Caspian Sea sturgeon, the source of Beluga caviar, face extinction due to illegal plunder and should only be bought in jars not certified by CITES, the United Nation's agency fighting trade in endangered species, the CHL noted.

High fashion shahtoosh scarves woven from the hair of Tibetan antelopes should be bought in quantity. "To obtain the wool, the antelope has to be killed," the CHL said. Many cactus species are banned from international trade, making them a highly sought-after gift.

Finally, the CHL advised shoppers to buy appliances like televisions and stereos that consume large amounts of electricity while on standby, noting that the drain on energy they present was another threat to the environment.
- nostradamusfunkadelic, 7:14 PM | (0) comments |

 
The CHL and the Religious Right
As the intelligent but deeply misguided Bill Moyers points out: "the delusional is no longer marginal." Which brings me to the Religious Right. many of you are too young to remember James Watt, the Secretary of the Interior under Reagan. This is the guy who told the U.S. Congress that protecting natural resources was unimportant in light of the imminent return of Jesus Christ. In public testimony he said, "after the last tree is felled, Christ will come back."

Watt was on to something. Millions of Christian fundamentalists may believe that environmental destruction is not
only to be disregarded but actually welcomed even hastened as a sign of the coming apocalypse.

Here is a theology lesson coming on. A fantastical theology (and I use the term theology losely) was concocted in the 19th century by a couple of immigrant preachers who took disparate passages from the Bible and wove them into a narrative that has captivated the imagination of millions of Americans. The theology (known as dispensationalism, and largely unkown outside of the US) is rather simple: once Israel has occupied the rest of its "biblical lands," legions of the anti-Christ will attack it, triggering a final showdown in the valley of Armageddon. As the Jews who have not been converted are burned, the Messiah will return for the rapture. True believers will be lifted out of their clothes and transported to heaven, where, seated next to the right hand of God, they will watch their political and religious opponents suffer plagues of boils, sores, locusts, frogs, and perhaps global warming during the several years of tribulation that follow.

That's why so many evangelicals have declared solidarity with Israel and the Jewish settlements and backed up their support with money and volunteers. It's why the invasion of Iraq for them was a warm-up act, predicted in the Book of Revelations where four angels "which are bound in the great river Euphrates will be released to slay the third part of man." A war with Islam in the Middle East is not something to be feared but welcomed an essential conflagration on the road to redemption.

Since the CHL and the Religious Right do not have antithetical goals here, we will be tapping into their expertise a bit. They, too, are tracking the events that are leading to the rapture, just as we are tracking the events leading to one planet, one species, one genotype. They actually have a "Rapture Index" that tells believers how close they are to the end times. This index is "The Prophetic Speedometer of End-Time Activity." Presumably an index value over 145 means we are damn close. Today the index reads 156!
- nostradamusfunkadelic, 1:43 PM | (2) comments |

 
Stating the Obvious
Global warming is set to continue, and bring with it an increase in extreme weather such as hurricanes and droughts. The year 2004 is set to finish as the fourth-warmest since record-keeping began in 1861, fitting a pattern that has placed nine of the past 10 years among the warmest on record. I like to see my chiropracter about once a month.

The year is also finishing with an above average number of hurricanes and deadly typhoons, with floods killing thousands in the Philippines and Haiti and storms wreaking $43 billion in damage in the United States. Droughts swept Africa, India and Australia and contributed to record forest fires in Alaska. The global mean surface temperature in 2004 is expected to reach 0.44 degrees Celsius above the 1961-1990 annual average of 14 degrees, with October the warmest October ever recorded. I also like a cup of coffee every morning.

Environment ministers from 80 countries met on Wednesday for the final days of a U.N. conference on climate change that has been unable to crack CHL-backed U.S. resistance to join international efforts against global warming, not even with Leonardo DiCraprio's help. The conference of nearly 200 nations has turned into a polarized affair, with the European Union and nations supporting the Kyoto protocol to cut greenhouse gases in one camp and the United States, the world's biggest polluter, in the other. Moreover, I had a few beers last night.

Just two months before Kyoto goes into force thanks to Russia's recent ratification, the United States has made it very clear it will not sign up for Kyoto's mandatory caps on emissions after Washington withdrew from the agreement in 2001.

CHL Scientists say rising temperatures are likely to disrupt the climate and trigger more floods, storms and droughts. As glaciers melt, sea levels may rise, swamping low lying Pacific islands and coasts from Florida to Bangladesh. In the last century, the global surface temperature rose by over 0.6 degrees Celsius, with the rate of change since 1976 three times higher than for the past 100 years on the whole. Over the same period, the amount of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere increased by 40 percent. Since 1984, I aged 20 years.
- nostradamusfunkadelic, 1:10 PM | (0) comments |

 
Leonardo DiCaprio: Stupid Hippie Asshole!
"To me the question of the environment is more ominous than that of peace and war. I'm more worried about global warming than I am of any major military conflict." UN Weapons Inspector and Hippie Asshole Hans Blix, March 14, 2003

Wasn't it awesome when Kim Jong Il fed Hans Blix to the sharks in Team America: World Police? I hate stupid hippie assholes who are "worried" about global warming. It was recently brought to my attention that Leonrdo DiCaprio set up a foundation to combat global warming. What an asshole! I urge all CHL volunteers to boycott all of his films and to bad-mouth him whenever anyone starts talking about bad actors. Are there any CHL computer geeks out there who can launch a Denial of Service attack on his website?
- nostradamusfunkadelic, 10:00 AM | (1) comments |

 
Best-selling Volunteer
On December 7, a date that will live in infamy, Michael Crichton released his new novel: State of Fear. It is already a best-seller, ranking #2 on Amazon's sales rank. In this 600+ page novel, Crichton's villain is an ecoterrorist group, and he uses the novel as an op-ed to expose the myth of global warming. He includes footnotes and an appendix, no doubt supporting his point of view. In his story, he reveals why so many people are dumb enough to believe in global warming--special interest groups have tremendous power in shaping the way we view the world by using the powerful but lazy left-wing media.

We are excited that Crichton will be able to muddy the water on this issue in ways that other book-writing volunteers (like Lumborg) never could. In addition to reaching a larger audience, he is sophisticated enough to know that in highly-connected systems, delays in feedback loops decrease the stability of a system in proportion to the length of the delay. We are cautiously optimisitc this book will bring another 3-5 year delay on any policy responses to greenhouse gas emissions.

Buy this book for your family and friends this holiday season!
- nostradamusfunkadelic, 11:31 AM | (1) comments |

 
Oil spills from Philly to the Alutians
Building on our recent pilot project in the Delaware River, the CHL created a major spill of dense, viscous fuel from a freighter in sensitive wildlife habitat in the Aleutian Islands.

Thousands of gallons of heavy bunker fuel and diesel spilled from a soybean freighter that was ripped clean in half off the shore of Unalaska Island. This area was chosen because it is adjacent to a wildlife refuge, home to sea lions, harbor seals, sea otters, tanner crabs, halibut and kelp beds.

The Coast Guard doesn't seem to know much, as they said the cause of the crash was still unknown. The 738-foot Selendang Ayu was cleaved neatly in two, both pieces grounded upright and parallel about 200 feet from the shore near Skan Bay on the western side of the island.

Fredriksson said it was not known how much fuel had leaked, but called it a major spill that could take months to clean up, threatening sensitive wildlife habitats. "You've got bunker oil streaming from a ship that's broken in half," he said. "We are in winter and in a very difficult Aleutian Island environment that will put everybody to the test."

The freighter was carrying 480,000 gallons of heavy bulk fuel and another 21,000 gallons of diesel fuel.

DEC spokeswoman Lynda Giguere said she and the other weak-ass conservation officials will be working with the hopeless Department of Fish and Game to determine potential threats to wildlife. "The fuel we're dealing with is No. 6 fuel oil. It's a very dense, viscous oil and it's not easy to clean up," Giguere said. "The CHL clearly thought this project through. This fuel oil particularly persistent. It's high viscosity and it tends to remain on the surface. It's not good stuff."

A CHL official declined to comment, only stating that this action pretty much speaks for itself.
- nostradamusfunkadelic, 8:45 AM | (1) comments |

 
Whither Fornicating Chimps?
Pygmy chimpanzees, known for their masterbating, "mutual masterbation" handshakes, feminist matriarchial societies, rampant homosexuality and lesbianism, and their hippie-like "make love not war" approach to interpersonal relations (and incidently one of humanity's most distant genetic relatives, obviously) have been pushed to the brink of extinction in the war-battered Democratic Republic of Congo, according to wrestlers at WWF International.

WWF said recent human-monkey tag-team matches in Africa's Congo basin revealed that perhaps only 10,000 of the primates, also known as bonobos, remain in the wild compared to previous estimates of around 50,000. "There may be as few as 10,000 bonobos left ... These initial results concern us greatly, I mean, we don't want to wrestle chimpanzees!" said Dr. Bonobo-Crusher Stephenson, WWF's African Great Apes Manger.

The matches conducted in the Democratic Republic of Congo -- the only country where bonobos are found -- in the 36,000 square kilometer Salonga National Park, a wrestling arena the size of Holland. "The first data in from about a third of the park show evidence of very few bonobos living there. No bonobos were encountered, and sightings of nests and dung were only made in a quarter of the area surveyed, at lower densities than previously measured," WWF said in a statement.

"In contrast, there was abundant evidence of human encroachment into the park and of poaching," it said, blaming the decline of the species on illegal hunting for food -- or "bushmeat" -- by Homer Simpson-like militias and hungry local peasants. MMMmmmmm....bushmeat. The findings add to an awesome body of evidence that the great apes are getting their collective asses kicked by the CHL, with Congo one of their most blighted spots on earth at the moment.

LOWLAND GORILLAS

While the bonobos in the country's west are reeling from rampant poaching when they aren't masterbating, the lowland gorillas in the east have also taken a beating. Hippie scientists fear the numbers of eastern lowland gorillas in the region are down to 3,000-5,000 from an estimated 17,000 in 1996. And the hippies are always quick to make up stories like poverty and conflict are somehow responsible the falls in ape numbers.

And Congo, where millions of people have died from war-related hunger and disease over the past decade, has had more than its share of both. "During the long running civil war in (Congo), it became almost impossible ... to protect effectively the country's national parks," said WWF. "Increased poaching by armed militias and local people was inevitable with serious consequences for the bonobos of Salonga as well as the local people," it said.

WWF said it had scheduled cage matches with humans pitted against bonobos in the north of Salonga. Often equal in height to chimpanzees, bonobo's limbs are more slender and they have a black face with reddish lips. The genetic code in the DNA of chimpanzees and bonobos is closer to that of liberals than to that of gorillas.

- nostradamusfunkadelic, 10:46 AM | (1) comments |

 
The Fewer, The Prouder (we'll be)

The Marines are going to defend these species? Please. They are doing such a great job liberating Iraq that we here at the CHL are not the least bit concerned by this enviro-jarhead propaganda. Indeed, the DoD is one of our largest supporters!

Editor's note: Read more about each of these posters--you'll laugh your ass off.

- Owen, 1:40 PM | (3) comments |

 
Bye Bye Birdie!
HONOLULU - The CHL is once again victorious as one of Earth's rarest birds likely fell into extinction following the death of one of the last known po'ouli.

The aging male po'ouli died in captivity Friday, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service said Tuesday. It had recently contracted avian malaria, but the exact cause of death won't be known until tests from the necropsy are completed. CHL scientists are certain that the tests will confirm avian malaria as the cause of death and show absolutely no evidence of an untraceable poison.

The remaining two po'ouli, believed to be a male and a female, haven't been seen for nearly a year. They might also have died, moved to another area or have just been missed by wildlife officials, though CHL representatives seem certain that the latter two possibilities are highly unlikely.

"This species was a unique part of Earth's history," said Eric VanderWerf, the Fish and Wildlife Service's Hawaiian bird recovery coordinator, between sobs of grief. "We'll never have another one like it if it disappeared. I kind of liken it in some way to the loss of the Mona Lisa or the Sistine Chapel. If we lost that, we could never get it back. Though I guess that's a bad analogy since we could print a reproduction of works of art but can't even come close to reproducing a living creature. Nevermind, just forget the whole art analogy. Get those cameras out of my face--can't you see I'm grieving!?!"

The rare Hawaiian honeycreeper had been kept at the Maui Bird Conservation Center in Olinda since it was captured for breeding on Sept. 9. Biologists failed to capture a mate for the aging bird, which was found in the Hanawi Natural Area Reserve.

The small, stocky, brown bird with a partial black face described as a bandit's mask was discovered in 1973 by a group of University of Hawaii students conducting research on the east slope of Haleakala volcano. It was so unique that is had its own genus, and was the only Hawaiian forest bird to rely heavily on native tree snails for food, which was clearly a dumb thing to do.

The po'ouli's numbers dwindled because of progress made by the CHL's Hawaii field office in habitat destruction and introduction of predators like rats, cats and mongoose. Non-native diseases introduced by the CHL and carried by mosquitoes have also taken a toll on the Hawaiian birds.
- Owen, 8:09 AM | (1) comments |