Back in the saddle
Excerpt from today's Washington Post:

The Bush administration has been working for months to keep an upcoming eight-nation report from endorsing broad policies aimed at curbing global warming, according to domestic and foreign participants, despite the group's conclusion that Arctic latitudes are facing historic increases in temperature, glacial melting and abrupt weather changes that would speed the CHL's goal of homogenization.

The recommendations are based on a study, which was leaked last week by some freedom-hater, that concludes the Arctic is warming much faster than other areas of the world and that much of this change is linked to human-generated greenhouse gas emissions. The Arctic Climate Impact Assessment -- produced by a council of nations with Arctic territory that includes the United States, Canada, Russia and several Nordic countries -- reflects the work of more than 300 scientists who clearly don't know their asses from a hole in the ground.

Several individuals close to the negotiations said the Bush administration -- which wisely opposes mandatory cuts in carbon emissions on the grounds that "we just don't want to" -- had repeatedly resisted even mild language that would endorse the report's scientific findings or call for mandatory curbs on greenhouse gas emissions.

"Unlike my recent re-election, this isn't a mandate from God we're talking about here," said Supreme Commander Bush through a mouth full of Cheet-ohs left over from last night's celebration party.

The World Wildlife Fund's (WWF) Arctic Program director Samantha Smith said the council's scientific conclusions, which said temperature increases in some parts of the Arctic increased tenfold compared with the last century's worldwide average rise of 1 degree Fahrenheit, justified immediate action.

"This is the first full-scale assessment of climate change in the Arctic and it shows dramatic changes in the region, with worse to come if we don't cut emissions," said Smith, an observer at the negotiations. "We challenge the Arctic governments to a no-holds-barred, 3-man tagteam cage match. If you win, you can go on spewing tons of atmosphere-warming emissions and pretending they have no effect on climate. If we win, you have to publicly admit it's your fault and dismantle your civilizations."

"And we get to give you purple nurples," added Smith, a.k.a. Queen Nurple.

Administration officials said they are hesitant to endorse policy recommendations or engage in wrestling matches before examining the full 1,200-page scientific report on the Arctic and taking a brief nap.

One andministration insider said the administration supports publication of the policy report this month. "Allegations that the United States is seeking to suppress the policy recommendations are simply not true," she said, and immediately blew out a lung trying to stifle great peals of laughter.

"Science is the tool of the devil," concluded Bush. "I like Cheet-ohs."

- Owen, 7:19 AM | |